


No puedes sacarme ya de tu cabeza

by hungry_and_tired_gay



Category: SKAM (Spain)
Genre: Bisexual Character, Bisexual Female Character, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Post-Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:15:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21837325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hungry_and_tired_gay/pseuds/hungry_and_tired_gay
Summary: Cris let out a breath she hadn’t realised she was holding. “It’s just the song, it brings out bad memories. Can we change it? Please?”OrCris and Joana open up to each other about their past relationships and they are Mature, Responsible Adults about it.
Relationships: Cris Soto Peña/Joana Bianchi Acosta, Cris Soto/Joana Bianchi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 80





	No puedes sacarme ya de tu cabeza

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry in advance for the English, it's not my first language. I hope you enjoy!

Cris loved touching Joana. She loved to do it with every part of her body, holding her hand, sitting on her lap, kissing her cheek, hugging her close. Most of all, though, she had found she enjoyed laying next to Joana, with bonus points when she was between her girlfriend’s arms. This position often caused her to fall asleep in the middle of the day, as was happening right now.

She opened her eyes. As her head rested against Joana’s shoulder, she could hear her heartbeat, steady and slow. Cris couldn’t help but smile at the memory of their first meeting, both of their hearts racing, probably for not so different reasons… A low rhythm coming from the speaker on Joana’s desk filled the room.

Cris glanced back at the sketch pad Joana was holding in her lap. The girl had been tracing lines with her pencil for a few minutes now, while Cris got comfortable, nudged against her shoulder. She thought about closing her eyes, as she said she would have, but she soon found out that the sight of her girlfriend doodling absent-mindedly with one hand and slowly stroking Cris’ hair with the other was too endearing to miss on.

She focused on the drawing once again. Joana had barely started it, so she tried to guess what it was going to represent. It wasn’t clear yet, but, maybe, those were… eyes? Probably not, they looked huge compared to the rest of the picture. Round glasses then? “Hey! That’s me!”

Joana didn’t answer, simply sending a smile in her girlfriend’s direction and placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. On the speakers wall, in Joana’s bedroom, she had hung several dozens portraits of Cris. They came in all shapes and forms, from detailed drawings occupying entire sheets of paper to fast sketches made on dirty napkins, to notebook pages in which the doodles had taken over the notes taken in literature class. The first drawing to find its place on that wall had been the one Cris had seen the first time she had entered Joana’s room. Now, most of the wood panels were covered in paper.

Cris loved all of them as if they were masterpieces; partly because she was honestly impressed by Joana’s talent, but mostly because they reminded her just how lucky she was to be in love with someone as sweet and devoted as Joana. Prior to their brief break up, she had never had any reason to believe Joana was anything but head over heels for her, calling her ‘beautiful’ every time she saw the chance, craving her company, escaping from a hospital just to reassure her. After they had cleared things up, it had kept being that way.

Cris realised that, between the two of them, her girlfriend had always been the most outspoken one about her feelings. It wasn’t that Cris didn’t love her back, of course: she just had a slightly different way of showing her feelings. She did, though, make sure to pepper in a lovey-dovey sentence or two from time to time, to remind Joana of how she truly felt, all jokes aside, seeing how that simple act had changed their relationship for the better after their break up. On the days in which her girlfriend wouldn’t feel so good, Cris was always ready to shower her with love and affection for hours on end, to love her when she couldn’t love herself.

Cris leaned towards Joana, silently asking for a kiss. The girl was more than happy to comply. “You know I love you, right? Because I do” she then added for good measure, before continuing to kiss Joana slowly. 

Cris was still surprised that, even after being with Joana for months, kissing her always felt like it did the first time. While her girlfriend had become a steady presence in her life, she hadn’t once felt bored in her presence. It was like she ignited a fire in Cris, one that made her cheeks redden and her hands feel tingling with electricity as she grabbed her girlfriend’s hips and the kiss grew more heated. Joana shifted her position, so that she was laying on top of the other girl. Cris was pretty sure she heard a thud when the sketch pad fell on the ground, but neither of them particularly cared. Soon enough, Cris’ hands were roaming across the small of Joana’s back, under her shirt.

“Didn’t you say you just wanted to rest for a while?” Joana asked after a particularly long kiss. She smirked. “Not that I’m complaining.”

“I may have changed my mind.” She moved to place a few kisses on Joana’s neck before whispering to her ear: “Plus, it’s not really my fault. That drawing was way too adorable, you clearly had an ulterior motive. I know this was your plan all along, you evil temptress.”

Joana looked at her in disbelief, then began giggling uncontrollably. “Yeah, that’s it” she replied to an equally amused Cris. “That’s the only reason I’m with you. The sex, and nothing else. It’s also why I constantly feel the need to draw your beautiful face on every surface I can find.” She paused to give her girlfriend a kiss once again, one filled with everything she felt for her. “And why I hung all of those pictures right in front of my bed, so they are the last thing I see before falling asleep when you’re not here with me.”

Cris could feel her face getting redder and redder as Joana finished her declaration. She had always suspected that was the reason behind the particular spot her girlfriend had chosen for the drawings, but to have confirmation meant more to her than she would be willing to admit. Joana was smiling softly at her. She truly was perfect, Cris thought to herself. 

“ _Idiota_ ” she murmured, her own words denied by the cheeky grin she couldn’t help, as the song that had played until then slowly faded. She was stupid in love and not only she didn’t care, but she wanted to shout it from the rooftops. She didn’t know exactly what magic Joana had worked on her; the only thing she knew was that she never wanted it to end, so she went back to kissing her girlfriend as if her life was depending on it, pulling her down, as close to herself as physically possible.

It wasn’t long, though, before Cris stopped dead in her tracks. She had recognised the song now playing through the speaker. Although she hadn’t heard it in months, her mind instantly went back to a cool April night, one she had wished to erase from her memory forever.

Joana immediately felt the mood change. She pulled herself away from her girlfriend. “Are you okay, Cris? Did something happen? Actually, scratch that, you don’t need any reason if you just want to stop. We can totally just keep laying here.”

Cris thought about it for a few seconds, before shaking her head. “No, don’t worry. It’s stupid. We can finish what we started.” She leaned towards Joana to pull her into a kiss. The other girl, however, wasn’t gonna let it slide.

“Hey, you don’t have to.” Joana pushed herself up, until she was sitting cross-legged on the bed next to Cris. “Just tell me if you’re okay, please.” Clearly attempting to show her girlfriend she wanted to be there for her without overwhelming her, she took one of Cris’ hands between hers, caressing it gently while keeping her distance.

Cris let out a breath she hadn’t realised she was holding. “It’s just the song, it brings out bad memories. Can we change it? Please?”

Without asking any questions, Joana got up from the bed and turned the speakers off. As she laid down again, this time on her side, facing the other girl, Cris felt the atmosphere become much more intimate, due to both the lack of music and the explanation she was preparing to give Joana, who didn’t seem to have connected the dots.

“That song was playing the night…” she paused, unsure of how to communicate with Joana without being too explicit. “The night I went to that party with Rubén…you know.” She shrugged, avoiding Joana’s gaze.

Cris was terrified, and she didn’t know why. She most definitely didn’t believe Joana would get angry or jealous at the mention of the guy’s name, but she was scared nonetheless. She didn’t want her girlfriend to be disappointed in her.

She felt Joana’s hand on hers before she saw it. She looked up: her girlfriend had understood what night she was referring to, she could see it in her eyes. With slow, steady movements, Joana took Cris’ hand to her lips and kissed it as if she was worshipping the girl laying in front of her. “I know we’ve never talked about it, because we decided to focus on the good things” she then said in a serious tone, “but I you have no idea how sorry I am about that night. Making out with Eloy in front of you was a low blow.”

Of course Joana thought it was her own fault. Cris moved her hand from Joana’s lips to her cheek, cupping it tenderly. “Don’t be sorry, I was the one who started it.”

“It was different. You were still in the closet, and I already knew you weren’t into Rubén, whereas I was the one who had a boyfriend… A boyfriend I had told you nothing about when we first started flirting. I basically shoved him right in your face and it wasn’t fair to either one of you.”

“That doesn’t mean anything. We had almost kissed twice already, three times if we’re counting the night at the parking garage.” Joana looked confused. Cris sent a smile her way. “I know you were just flirting, but I’m pretty sure if Eloy hadn’t shown up I would have ended up kissing you in a matter of seconds. Anyway, my point is, I knew for a fact you had a thing for me. What I did, I did to hurt you, and for that I am sorry.”

Joana put her hand on her own cheek, on top of Cris’, intertwining their fingers. “So am I. I was petty, and revengeful, and I hope you can forgive me. Just so you know, Eloy and I had a fight right after you left. I don’t even remember what it was about, something stupid, but I blew it out of proportion. I did it on purpose. He sensed something was wrong, but I just wanted to have an excuse to get away from him. I had finally figured out exactly what I wanted…” she looked at Cris suggestively. “And I had just hurt her and let her go. Not my finest moment.”

Cris scooted closer to Joana. She normally felt completely comfortable in her presence, but, after that apology she hadn’t even asked for, she knew she was safe. Joana would have never judged her, she always helped her get through anything that was troubling her. Once again, she felt like she was the luckiest girl in the world, and she thought that maybe, just maybe, she really was.

“About that night…” Cris said, as Joana kept caressing her hand with her thumb. “I’ve never told you what happened after Rubén and I left, even though you probably have an idea.”

Joana’s gentle touches didn’t stop. “You don’t have to tell me.”

“I know, but I want to. I want you to know.” She took a deep breath: although she did trust Joana completely and didn’t want to keep secrets from her, she wasn’t keen on reliving this particular memory.

“We did it in his car.” she finally said. “It was the second time we went out together and I had basically blown him off after two minutes the first time. He must have been surprised when I texted him again. Anyway, we left together, he parked his car in an isolated spot and then we did it. I barely felt anything. It was horrible. I didn’t like him, I didn’t want to do it, but I told him I did, because it would have been easier than confronting the feelings I had for you. Honestly, I only did it because he was there. Because I wanted to feel something, anything, for someone who wasn’t a girl. Someone who wasn’t you.”

Throughout her whole speech, there was no judgement, nor jealousy behind Joana’s eyes, merely understanding. When Cris reached the end of it, however, she could see her own pain reflected upon her girlfriend’s features.

“It didn’t work, obviously.” she added. “I began sobbing the minute I set foot at home and I ended up crying myself to sleep.”

As she finished the sentence, Joana’s arms pulled her into a tight hug. “Oh, baby” she said. “Come here.” Cris could feel the tears in her eyes. She clinged to Joana as if she was a lifeline.

“I’m so grateful I have you in my life now. You’re the best.” Cris whispered in her girlfriend’s ear.

“I’m grateful to be in your life too. I love you Cris.”

They stayed still for a few minutes, finding peace in each other, breathing each other in, their hands still intertwined. Cris was glad she had finally let it all out of her system: she had never really told anyone about that night, not even Amira. She wouldn’t have known what to say then, before she had come out, how to explain why she did it, and she had been so focused on Joana ever since that it made little sense to talk about Rubén. She hadn’t realised how much she wanted to just say it out loud before now and she was happy it was Joana she had told. Cris didn’t want to have any unresolved issues with her.

Joana pulled away just enough that she could look at Cris in the eyes. “Since we’re talking Rubén and Eloy, don’t you ever compare the relationship him and I had with what I have with you. You’ve never said it, but I know that you sometimes get insecure about me cheating on him, and possibly doing the same thing to you. I could never.” She hesitated, as if she were looking for the right words.

“Ever since I met him, I never felt anything towards him. He was a pretty nice guy, and he liked me, so I thought I could give it a shot. We went on a date, to a concert…”

“Yeah, I know. I stalked his insta.”

“You did what now, Cris?” Joana laughed.

“Come on, don’t act so surprised. I know you stalked mine.”

“Touché.”

There was a pause, then Cris asked: “Why were you with him then?”

“Because… Because he liked me, even though I had BPD. He didn’t know about it, of course, but…I don’t know, I guess it gave me some kind of hope. For the future. I hoped that maybe people could like me regardless of everything. That maybe, one day, I could have found someone I liked too.” She shrugged and looked away, as if her insecurities didn’t matter.

Cris wasn’t going to let her think that. “Joana. Joana, look at me.” Eventually, the girl gave in. The look in her eyes broke Cris’ heart a little. The girl was in pain. “Joana, I need you to listen. Can you do that for me?”

Joana nodded slowly.

“I don’t like you despite of who you are. I never have. I love you because of it. In the good, in the bad, and in the fucking worst, you are perfect to me. I wouldn’t want you any other way.”

Joana’s frown turned into a smile, and the smile into a fit of soft giggles. Cris’ heart was singing, bursting with joy. As she got back into Joana’s arms, she thought she was right. She really was the luckiest girl in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this! Hmu on tumblr @hungryandtiredgay


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